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I’m smack-dab in the middle of mindset coach training and I’ve hit a block. It’s kind of like writer’s block but rather than inhibiting my export it’s put the brakes on my import. It’s as though my brain has shut down and said “nope, you are at your maximum capacity of learning how to help others because you have not taken care of yourself!” So I’ve had to sit with it and wonder what more could I do. I’m exercising, journaling, meditating when I can. Hyrdrating, trying to eat better, communicating my feelings ad nauseum, what more is needed? And then it hits me… I can’t learn any more until I learn to unlearn. I can’t help other people overcome their limiting beliefs until I confront mine…great. So here goes.

First things first what is a limiting belief? They are false narratives inside our head that prevent us from reaching our goals, like a subconscious self sabotage. For instance “I’m going to fail like I always do so why try?” It’s like your own internal rival, chirping at you from the bench (I’m impressed I got a sports analogy in here since I’m so not a fan!)

Being a highly anxious person I have lots of internal chatter going on so it’s a challenge to pinpoint what the limiting beliefs actually are for me as they can get drowned out by the overthinking and doom rehearsing. I had to take a lot of deep breaths to do a deep dive. I discovered my number one limiting belief is (drumroll) “I don’t fit in…anywhere” This might not seem major, but it is.

My whole life I have that incessant feeling like I’ve missed the memo. Like I’m late to the party and brought balloons when everyone else brought cake. I have a distinct memory of having this exact feeling on grade 4 picture day. We had just moved from Ottawa to Toronto. In Ottawa the kids went all out on picture day. So I show up for my Toronto picture day in a blue satin dress, frilly ankle socks and crimped hair (it was 1988 okay) only to find out everyone in Toronto wore Roots sweatshirts and jeans. At that moment I wished for a rogue meteor to hit my school but instead I smiled big and cried even bigger back at home.

Fast forward thirty-two years and the belief still lingers. Whether it’s with friends or at work I find I hold back from opening up and speaking my mind. Or when I do speak up it’s either out of panic that I have to say something or I second guess myself and try to dial it back with an awkward joke or unnecessary apologies. The persistent story I tell myself is that I’ll never be one of the “cool kids.”

This whole belief limits excelling at work or increasing the quality of friendships. When you’re busy projecting your own insecurities onto others perceived beliefs in you, it’s hard to be open to growth, success or real connection.

How to I move forward? I’m working on remembering a few things:

People aren’t thinking of you as much as you think they are

The perceived bar of fitting in or “coolness” is being set by you

Everyone feels awkward sometimes, it’s part of being human

Your mom probably thinks you’re cool

Time to add unlearning limiting beliefs to my self care routine so I can move forward in helping others in more ways than just writing here and taking filtered selfies.

As we head into a new year people have “change” on the brain. It’s a time of reflection on what worked and didn’t work the previous 12 months and to perhaps implement better habits, modify routines, or commit to trying something new. What do you do then when your default setting is CHANGE?

Let me explain – I was raised in a military home. Change was an inevitable way of life. Every few years we were in a new home, new city, new school. I resented it. I swore when I grew up I wouldn’t do this to my family but as I moved into adulthood I realized the pattern of change was hard to shake. Even if I wasn’t moving I felt a strong urge to change something in my life every 3 years – jobs, friends, hair, anything! It was like a Pavlovian response.

Change was a comfortable coping mechanism. I remember with every move there would be cautious optimism. I would convince myself I was getting a do-over. Whatever failures or flaws I had in the last place, I could change and tweak in the new one. Unfortunately insecurities aren’t inclusive to a geographic location and those pesky things would follow me around wherever I was!

Those same urges persist. If I’m at a high anxiety point in my life the first thing I do is start scrolling through job ads or real estate listings. I’m sure my friends and family are sick of my grand “new career” or “moving” plans. They give me placated smiles knowing full well I likely won’t go through with it. It’s not out of lack of motivation, or fear that I don’t follow through. It’s because the reasoning part of my brain clears out the “pack up and hide from my problems” fog that regularly moves in. It also helps that for all my flighty tendencies, my partner is equally as grounded. He gets me through the confirmation biased list of pros I create in my head. The story I tell myself of how everything will be better if we just change! We now work together to curate contentment.

Whatever we struggle with will no doubt hitch a ride on that moving truck or work bag. That or we’ll be trading them in for a whole new set, so why not work on ourselves in the present and learn to appreciate what we have here and now?

It’s settled, 2021 will be my year of unchanging, continuing, prevailing, remaining, staying… and any other word I could find when I googled “what is the opposite of change?” I will only look at home listing to peep on decorating styles, and lucidly dream about living in a sprawling lakeside estate one day.

Until then, I will grant my life this affirmation, to quote the famous Mark Darcy from Bridget Jones, “I like you very much. Just as you are”

I remember the lyrics so clearly, “don’t go changin’ to try and please me.” It was my high school graduation and I had been tasked with leading the jazz choir in the schmaltzy Billy Joel hit – Just the Way You Are. I belted it out at the top of my lungs with no thought or regard to the actual meaning of the lyrics and how ironic it was that I was singing this chorus, “I’ll take the good times, I’ll take the bad times, I’ll take you just the way you are.”

The irony comes from the fact that I’ve spent most of my conscious life aspiring to be anything but “just the way I am.” I have lived with the sub-conscious motto of – “I will be happy when…. ” For example: “I will be happy as a blonde, I will be happy when I move, I will be happy when I get married, I will be happy when I have babies, I will be happy when I lose 30 pounds”. I’ve done all those things yet have never reached that goal of “happy” Of course all those things brought me joy but the physical act of reaching that “I will be happy” sense of finality and satisfaction was never met. There was always something else to aspire to under the guise of self improvement, another finish line to cross to attain that proverbial “happy.”

That brought with it a constant state of disappointment in myself for things I could and couldn’t control. I’d inevitably make mistakes and spend sleepless nights beating myself up for them in an endless and futile overthinking loop. Refusing to forgive myself even though I could easily forgive others for similar goof ups. It gave me a critical eye turned inward. At my personality, my quirks, my weight, my appearance. My inner monologue would be “everyone thinks you’re such a weirdo, why did you say that?” or “I’m not buying any new clothes until I lose at least 25 lbs” In essence saying “you are not deserving of friendships and nice things because something is wrong with you!” Again, things I could never fathom saying to a loved one..or anyone for that matter, but somehow it’s been ok to listen to that negative “self” talk.

It has taken 41 trips around the sun to realize a few things:

1. People aren’t thinking of you as much as you think they are, if they are at all. They’re worried about their own mistakes and social foibles, so chill. No need to be chronically apologetic about your awkwardness. We’re all awkward!
2. If you feel like you want to lose some weight or get in “shape” for your health? All power to you but please don’t do it because you’re trying to fit society’s standard of beauty because that’s just brainwashing garbage that I know I am still trying to reprogram myself from. Long story short – ALL BODIES ARE GOOD BODIES!
3. Buy the clothes you love and that fit you NOW. There’s nothing like a killer outfit to make your feel like you CAN take over the world.
4. Be mindful of right now, happiness is not at the end of that magic rainbow endgame scenario we’ve concocted in our heads, now this is going to sound cliche buuuuut – it’s here in this moment, just as you are.

Thinking back on that grad day I wish I had a time machine to go back and grab that brace faced, music loving, baby-doll dress wearing, wannabe folk singer and tell her “I couldn’t love you any better, I love you just the way you are”

Scroll through Pinterest and you will be punched in the face with motivational quotes about NOT quitting, each one more uplifting and eye roll inducing than the last. I submit that they are so very wrong. I guess you could consider me a “Professional Quitter” and I’m all the happier for it. Let me explain.

It started when I was young. I was 5 when my Dad tried to teach me how to ride a bike. I wasn’t into it, I fell over and over until I finally threw that bike to the curb and didn’t try again until 1 year later when I decided I was into it, when I decided it was time.

Around that time I started figure skating. I loved it, spending hours whipping around the ice feeling it scratch beneath my blades, pure heaven..until it wasn’t. It became less about the feeling of freedom and more about the perfect program and the perfect body to fit into the costumes that got tighter as I grew ever taller and curvier. After 8 years I pulled the plug on that with nothing but a bunch of ribbons and sparkly dresses to show for it. Sorry not sorry.

I graduated high school when I was 17. I had no idea what I wanted to do so of course I went to college and took the first program that someone suggested, because that’s just what I thought I should do. 6 months in I hated it! I was a good 10 years younger than most of my classmates and my heart just wasn’t in it. So I quit. I ended up finishing the course 2 years later… when I was ready.

In my professional life I have quit many jobs. Quit careers even. I tried my hand at Marketing, Reception, Administration, Salon Coordinating, Hairstyling and probably more that I don’t recall, and I don’t regret it.

For a long time though I felt like this meant I was indecisive, wishy-washy, too sensitive, not able to “Keep Grinding” as they say. I remember feeling awful about quitting hair because I had invested so much time and energy into the craft but I came to realize that time and effort don’t equate to happiness and behind the chair I was miserable, as I was with most other jobs or hobbies I left.

Now I’m not a proponent of quitting just because something is hard and you can’t get it perfect the first time. Even though we’ve all had those moments. I also recommend being smart about it. As much as I’ve fantasized about quitting a job in the most spectacular, bridge burning fashion, I was always sure to line up another opportunity before making any changes because, well life and stuff.

The quitting I’m talking about is walking away from something that no longer serves you or who you want to be. You can feel it in your gut when something isn’t working out. You can feel who you really are slipping away. In the spirit of authenticity I say do whatever you need to do. No need to explain yourself. I no longer feel guilty or list it as one of my “qualities to work on.” I don’t stick things out to impress other people or because I invested time and money in it. If it’s not for me, then so be it. No sense wasting time on not living my best life.

So peace out, bye Felicia and don’t look back.

We always ask kids – what do you want to be when you grow up when we should be asking – what does being a grown up mean to you?

To me it’s not reaching a certain age or milestone. Not an accumulation of achievements or wealth. It’s a mindset. To be grown is to be intentional. Free of the reactionary and self centred tendencies of youth. A gradual awareness of what needs to be done each day and taking care to do it well.

When you were young, who did you look up to and think – yes that’s an adult, that’s who I want to be?

My role models were my Grandma and Great Aunts who took pride in the art of running their homes. Full fridges, fresh bread and pantries full of preserves ready to feed whoever might drop in. Beds made lovingly with handmade quilts, nightstands with books of poetry and sachets of potpourri. It didn’t look like a magazine but it felt like home. A curation of cozy.

My parents friends and family who were impeccably dressed for any occasion. Who discussed newsworthy issues and cultural events – politics, plays, concerts, and museums while mixing the perfect after work cocktail or knowing the right wine pairing for any given meal.

My Mom and Dad who didn’t hesitate to do what needed to be done for us, even at the expense of their own comfort. Easing us through the awkwardness of growing up while giving us room to explore our creativity unhindered.

Adulthood is not something to be feared but rather – the craft of life. Taking pride in daily tasks as if each were pieces of art. That is the ultimate goal of my journey to a slow and intentional way of living.

It’s been said that “dressing well is a form of good manners” and “visualize your highest self and start showing up as her.” While I certainly agree with both, I’ve been mulling over how to develop this into a post for a week (translation: overthinking) because I want to tread lightly. It is not my place to tell anyone else how they should appear or project onto them what I think would make them happy.

I’ve approached this like most things in my life lately, with an open mind and a willingness to try. I do know for myself that taking the time to put together an outfit, style my hair and put on makeup is and always has been cathartic. It goes hand in hand with my present attempt at a more intentional wardrobe. Slowly but surely I’m curating a closet full of pieces that I love and that fit perfectly. Quality over quantity. Supporting brands that offer fashion to and represent all bodies.

I fully connected dressing well to my mental wellness when I wasn’t…. so well. In the thick of it, most days I fully lost any desire to even try. I’m pretty sure I wore the same black on black on black for most of the summer. It gave me no joy to see my sullen, makeup free face in the mirror, hair stringy and brittle from lack of care. When they list loss of interest in favourite activities as a symptom of depression, this was it for me.

Now I’m not comparing other’s lack of attention to their physical appearance to a mental illness, I simply mean that it became clear to me that one’s exterior is fully connected to the interior. If you feel absolutely fabulous makeup free and in active wear, then by all means you be you. It will be obvious to everyone that you love it and that confidence will lead to success and happiness. However if you’re not showing up at 100% because you think you’re not worth it or because you feel you don’t have time? I want to assure you that you are and you do.

As for the manners piece, I guarantee you will have more positive interactions with others when you show up confident inside and out. Not because people are shallow and judge us on our appearance (although that’s an unfortunate reality) but it’s more so that you have taken yourself and them seriously enough to put some thought into how you will present yourself to the world.

Now if you’re shaking your head at me, and calling me old fashioned for feeling more powerful with red lipstick on, it’s okay I’m used to it. My previous colleagues used to call me “psychotic” for not owning a pair of sweat pants and considering jeans to be lounge wear. I used to let it get to me, but the more I embrace my truly authentic self the more I know that I will continue to “try” for my sake and for others.

As the blog progresses I will definitely add a “style” section where I share my closet curation process and tips. No fashion policing here, just a cheerleader who wants you to reflect your inner beauty externally in your own amazing way!

Cue Lizzo “I do my hair toss, check my nails, baby how you feelin?”

I have been working since I was 13. Stopping for only brief intervals to have two babies. You probably think that makes me an authority on work/life balance. You would be wrong! The longer I am in the workforce, the more I start to believe that work/life balance is a sham. The phrase itself suggests that work and life are separate. That when you step into your office, life as you know it ceases to exist.

I am beginning to subscribe to the notion that work/life balance doesn’t actually exist, it’s really all just LIFE. That seems more manageable to me. It means that each day I have a list of tasks I hope to complete both at home and at the office. That I can schedule pockets of time for each. That I don’t have to put on my metaphorical work pants and at home pants. I can be authentically myself in each moment. It also debunks the myth that multi tasking is an efficient way to work. I’ll say it again for the people in the back “MULTI TASKING IS AN INEFFECTIVE WAY TO WORK!!!!”

So here it is, almost 30 years in the grind and I’m only now starting to find a way to make it work where I’m not pulling my hair out and getting stuck in the overthinking loop of doom at the end of each day. A helpful trick I’ve found is to take 10 minutes in the morning to write a quick overview of what I want to accomplish throughout the day both at work and home then pick an “I am” phrase or mantra that I can repeat in my head, preparing me to show up fully for what I need to do. For example, this morning I felt overly anxious, I was creating potential but most unlikely disasters in my head or as Queen Brene Brown calls it- dress rehearsing tragedy. So my mantra will be “I am present and calm.” I follow that with three deep breaths to realign my nervous system. I then repeat that throughout the day when I’m starting to feel overwhelmed.

Wavy Gravy? Sure. Helpful? Absolutely. As my favourite new Pinterest worthy quote says:”Forget work-life balance, do the thing you want and create systems that support that”

Groovy right?

October is Mental Health Awareness Month in Canada, and the perfect time to discuss my own personal attachment to the cause. I know this isn’t an original story since 1 in 5 Canadians will struggle with their mental wellness at some point, so bear with me.

I have always been a highly anxious person, pretty much from birth. It wasn’t until this year though, that I could put a clinical name to it – Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Diagnosis’ like these weren’t something that I knew of growing up. Back then, mental illness didn’t happen to real people, only fictionalized characters in movies and books. Romanticized as moody melancholia.

My anxiety was mostly manageable, but in the unmanageable times I was tested for and diagnosed with everything but anxiety – Vitamin Deficiency, Inner Ear Virus, Ulcers, Anemia, Hyperglycemia, Heart Murmur, and so on.

I came up with my own coping skills – talking loudly and a lot to drown out the overthinking, biting my nails, tapping my feet, pulling out strands of hair, grinding my teeth, over eating, drinking and surrounding myself with positive quotes to remind myself that “I got this” when I definitely didn’t have it. I didn’t even know what “it” was.

Then came 2020. My favourite quote of the year has been ” Welcome to 2020, if you don’t already have an anxiety disorder, one will be assigned to you.” Yeah, not doubt. For me it was the proverbial final straw. Somewhere between managing work from home and a workload that somehow tripled during the pandemic, coordinating virtual school for two boys with varying degrees of need, worrying about family living across the country and losing my in person connection to my support system, I completely unravelled. Anxiety wrecked my body with daily attacks and just getting out of bed became almost impossible.

As an adult, I never bought into the stigma. I regularly advocated for friends and family who struggled with their own mental health and was vocal for treating it the same as you would any physical ailment. Mental Health/Physical Health – Potayyto/Potahhhto. But when it came to taking care of myself I was embarrassed. “I’m stronger than this, suck it up, first world problems” I would tell myself over and over again. Surprisingly it only got worse (sarcasm). I finally reached out to my doctor and after a deserved scolding for taking so long to come to her, we worked out a treatment plan that I’m happy to say is going swimmingly.

The only thing I’m embarrassed about now is not addressing it sooner. As I’m starting to feel more like myself now than ever I regret not being honest about how much I was struggling. It’s like I had a broken arm for 30 some years and just thought to myself “shake it off, just use your other arm!” Ridiculous!

The purpose of this post is a reminder to everyone, myself included, that taking care of your mental wellness is just as important as your physical health – for serious (random Zoolander reference) There are supports and options out there, you just have to be willing to ask for help.

I’m not sure how to write about this without sounding cliche or like just another diatribe of toxic positivity but here goes nothing.

I came across the perfect quote the other day, from comedian Leslie Jones. It reads :

“It’s time to start liking who you are, I’m not perfect but I’m starting to get comfortable, like a sweater you want to wear all the time”

I’m currently JUST starting to feel like that. Seems kind of sad since I’m on just on the other side of the age that rhymes with shmorty but not surprising considering the climate under which I was raised. I don’t think I ever recall hearing any women in my life praise their own bodies, beauty, qualities or accomplishments, and I grew up around A LOT of beautiful and successful women. I highly suspect most of you can say the same.

This week I heard a colleague cursing her recent corporate head shot and I thought wow, here’s a woman who is in her fifties, has overcome some pretty heavy stuff to succeed in her life, and in my opinion is quite lovely, yet she can’t accept that she is beautiful just as she is. It hurt my heart.

Then I thought back on all the times I’ve thought or said the same negative things about myself. How growing up I used to walk through my house and drop all my framed school pictures down on their faces. How if you analyzed my children’s lives by photographic evidence alone you would deduce that they were motherless.

Sometimes it’s just awkwardly not knowing how to accept a compliment on my looks. That if I say thanks I am somehow complicit in this image obsessed society. That the compliment-er will turn around and think “I was just being polite but she sure is conceited”

So in line with my one word mission statement – ENOUGH, I am working on projecting the all bodies are good bodies philosophy that I grant to others but rarely myself, onto me. I will try and catch all negative self talk before it leaves my mouth and throw it out of my head like a crinkled up piece of bad poetry that should never see the light of day. Last but not least I will not expose myself or give consideration to any medium that promotes unhealthy view of self, so long In Style and Vogue, I won’t miss you.

Then maybe I can hit full on favourite sweater phase before I’m shmorty-one.

The word routine can have a negative connotation, as in- things are too routine or I’m stuck in a rut. However if you think of it as a rhythm, like the tides or a sick dance crew, it can be a good thing.

While I’m a proponent of mindfulness, I find it a huge challenge to hold my brain back from getting away from me, so compartmentalizing my day, whether it’s a week day or weekend, helps me focus on doing one thing at a time.

It can be fun too, not just checking off the boxes on a to do list. If you remember to build the things you love into your schedule then they don’t get overlooked as they almost always do if you just flew by the seat of your pants all day.

Even mundane tasks are made immensely better when you add a soundtrack to it or try to see the art in it – translation: yes I’m that weirdo that wears her headphones while grocery shopping. What can I say? The Glorious Sons just add that extra something while trying to decide whether it’s worth splurging on the organic bananas.

So give it a shot, remove chaos and create your own flow and sing along with me – rhythm is gonna get’cha, rhythm is gonna get’cha…you’re welcome.