I remember the lyrics so clearly, “don’t go changin’ to try and please me.” It was my high school graduation and I had been tasked with leading the jazz choir in the schmaltzy Billy Joel hit – Just the Way You Are. I belted it out at the top of my lungs with no thought or regard to the actual meaning of the lyrics and how ironic it was that I was singing this chorus, “I’ll take the good times, I’ll take the bad times, I’ll take you just the way you are.”
The irony comes from the fact that I’ve spent most of my conscious life aspiring to be anything but “just the way I am.” I have lived with the sub-conscious motto of – “I will be happy when…. ” For example: “I will be happy as a blonde, I will be happy when I move, I will be happy when I get married, I will be happy when I have babies, I will be happy when I lose 30 pounds”. I’ve done all those things yet have never reached that goal of “happy” Of course all those things brought me joy but the physical act of reaching that “I will be happy” sense of finality and satisfaction was never met. There was always something else to aspire to under the guise of self improvement, another finish line to cross to attain that proverbial “happy.”
That brought with it a constant state of disappointment in myself for things I could and couldn’t control. I’d inevitably make mistakes and spend sleepless nights beating myself up for them in an endless and futile overthinking loop. Refusing to forgive myself even though I could easily forgive others for similar goof ups. It gave me a critical eye turned inward. At my personality, my quirks, my weight, my appearance. My inner monologue would be “everyone thinks you’re such a weirdo, why did you say that?” or “I’m not buying any new clothes until I lose at least 25 lbs” In essence saying “you are not deserving of friendships and nice things because something is wrong with you!” Again, things I could never fathom saying to a loved one..or anyone for that matter, but somehow it’s been ok to listen to that negative “self” talk.
It has taken 41 trips around the sun to realize a few things:
- People aren’t thinking of you as much as you think they are, if they are at all. They’re worried about their own mistakes and social foibles, so chill. No need to be chronically apologetic about your awkwardness. We’re all awkward!
- If you feel like you want to lose some weight or get in “shape” for your health? All power to you but please don’t do it because you’re trying to fit society’s standard of beauty because that’s just brainwashing garbage that I know I am still trying to reprogram myself from. Long story short – ALL BODIES ARE GOOD BODIES!
- Buy the clothes you love and that fit you NOW. There’s nothing like a killer outfit to make your feel like you CAN take over the world.
- Be mindful of right now, happiness is not at the end of that magic rainbow endgame scenario we’ve concocted in our heads, now this is going to sound cliche buuuuut – it’s here in this moment, just as you are.
Thinking back on that grad day I wish I had a time machine to go back and grab that brace faced, music loving, baby-doll dress wearing, wannabe folk singer and tell her “I couldn’t love you any better, I love you just the way you are”